University to change motto to Fiat Lux 3000 in order to reduce deficit

Fiat Lux 3000, where the headlights of a fancy new Fiat car will shine brighter than the Campanile!

On Thursday, after University officials met to discuss structural changes in light of the school’s $150-million-dollar deficit, University Spokesperson Bentley Cooper announced that the school would be changing its motto from “Fiat Lux” to “Fiat Lux 3000” in order to promote Fiat’s luxury line of cars.

Whereas “Fiat Lux” was Latin for “Let there be Light” as a metaphor for the knowledge that students would gain by coming to this school, UC Berkeley’s new motto “Fiat Lux 3000” is a promotional reference to the wattage power that comes from the headlights of the new line of Fiat Luxury cars.

Mr. Cooper defended the change saying that while UC Berkeley used to be about allowing students to learn, it would start treating the process of learning more like a business in order to stay financially solvent

Mr. Cooper defended the change saying that while UC Berkeley used to be about allowing students to learn, it would start treating the process of learning more like a business in order to stay financially solvent, by doing things such as cutting academically outstanding majors that apparently don’t offer a great financial return.

It should be noted that UC Berkeley has had a long history of corporate sponsorship. Currently, the University is engaged in a 10-year contract with Pepsi to the tune of 1.3 million dollars which largely explains why Coke is unavailable anywhere on campus with the exception of frat houses. Despite cutting out chicken strips at GBC in an attempt to remain “healthy”, the Golden Bear Café still continues to sell Pepsi products at its location.

In 2016, Amazon partnered with ASUC in order to create a location on campus from which students can pick up their Amazon orders. While many students have stated that the services provided by the company are convenient, some unsubstantiated accounts have stated that the Amazon@ASUC office had taken over the old location of Ebay@ASUC which was sold off to the highest bidder. The Ebay@ASUC building then arrived at the recipient’s location slightly damaged after a period of two weeks.

UC Berkeley is also considering other corporate partnerships in order to raise money from the school. In Soda Hall, next to Wozniak Lounge (which UC Berkeley named after Berkeley alumni and Apple Co-founder Steve Wozniak), UC Berkeley is planning on partnering with current Presidential candidate Donald Trump to open the Orange Lounge, which is named after the relative shade of Donald Trump’s skin.

*The Berkeley Beet is not sponsored by any of the above listed corporations. And judging by the way we talked about some of these corporations, we probably won’t be anytime soon.

If you’d like to be a part of the silliness that is The Berkeley Beet, we’re hiring. Applications are arguably more fun than studying for midterms.

Apply here: http://goo.gl/forms/RBwm1XPkrM

 

 

 

About the author

Burr K. Lee

Burr K. Lee is a Berkeley student that enjoys using satire to draw issues to attention on campus. During his spare time, Lee enjoys working as a Burr-lesque dancer.

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