UCB creates Hunger Games to determine which programs to cut

Hunger Games
UC Berkeley's version of the Capitol. May the Odds be ever in your favor.

This week, it was announced that UC Berkeley was considering the elimination of its public health program due to a 150-million-dollar structural deficit. According to one University spokesperson “Health and Safety are our #1 priorities to UC Berkeley students. So while we won’t have a public health program, at least you’ll be able to enjoy the nutritious food we have at GBC which are now Chicken Strip and Chili-Cheese-Fry free zones.

According to one University spokesperson “Health and Safety are our #1 priorities to UC Berkeley students. So while we won’t have a public health program, at least you’ll be able to enjoy the nutritious food we have at GBC which are now Chicken Strip and Chili-Cheese-Fry free zones.

This announcement comes only days after it was reported that UC Berkeley was considered dissolving the College of Chemistry using a combination of the unique bureaucratic chemical B2L1SH15T and nitroglycerin.

In order to raise funds, UC Berkeley announced that it would be creating the 1st annual Berkeley Hunger Games in which its 172 academic departments would be divided into 13 districts in order to determine which programs to cut. Each district is then to send out one faculty member and one student to Memorial stadium in a televised match to fight to the death.

While some have criticized UC Berkeley’s decision to televise these games as exploiting profit from students, UC Berkeley defended its decision by saying that it has routinely done so in the past.  Currently, UC Berkeley is considering combining the Mechanical Engineering and the Electrical Engineering/Computer Science departments, though officials are unsure as doing so is likely to cause the number of students obnoxiously telling everyone they know about being “MechEEECS” to rise exponentially and the students to become more annoying than they already are.

UC Berkeley is also considering combining the Film and Theater, Dance and Performance studies departments, but that combination is currently on hold due to reported drama between the two.

The first match for the Berkeley Hunger Games battle is scheduled for this Friday.

In light of this crisis, many university officials are doing their part to help. UC Berkeley’s football coaches (whose salaries are worth millions of dollars collectively) announced that they would be taking coffee without sugar in solidarity with the recent cutbacks to the university. The university has also urged students to check under the $92k nap pods to check for any spare change that may be hidden under there.

If you’d like to join the Berkeley Beet, we’re hiring. Apply here: http://goo.gl/forms/RBwm1XPkrM

 

About the author

Burr K. Lee

Burr K. Lee is a Berkeley student that enjoys using satire to draw issues to attention on campus. During his spare time, Lee enjoys working as a Burr-lesque dancer.

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