UC Berkeley uses Sorting Hat to place students into various dormitories

Berkeley. Magical. But also really expensive.

Last week UC Berkeley sent out housing decisions to the Class of 2020 Freshmen and Transfer students. Despite many complaints and offers to trade, students generally had no idea what the various dorm situations were like, and were just happy to feel one step closer to Cal and done with high school finals.

Though most students assumed that the room assignments were random, unbeknownst to most students was the fact that UC Berkeley used a sorting hat to decide which dorms students would be assigned, sending along its mascot Oski to place the sorting hat on students that were too tired going through the haze of high school senioritis to notice.

Those who were deemed brave, had bushy or ginger hair, or sharpied a lightning shaped scar on their forehead were sent along to Unit 1 and 2. Due to the crumbling nature of both buildings, and the fact that they are old as and smell like balls, a certain amount of bravery is required of students who live there as they endure the damp smell of mildew for the next year.

Those who were characterized as intelligent, Regent’s Scholars, and that one annoying person in class who never did homework but still got into Berkeley were placed in Foothill, Stern, and Martinez Commons respectively. These are some of the nicer dorms by necessity, as once moved inside of them, Sorting Hat calculated that there is a higher chance of the Warriors winning the NBA finals than students using the dorms for anything other than sleeping, masturbation, studying, and complaining how much harder their classes are compared to yours.

 the Sorting Hat calculated that there is a higher chance of the Warriors winning the NBA finals than students using the dorms for anything other than sleeping, masturbation, studying, and complaining how much harder their classes are compared to yours

 Those who were deemed ambitious, liked the color green, or had the dark mark tattooed on their forearm were placed in Clark Kerr. Though Clark Kerr is arguably the nicest dorm at UC Berkeley, it is also isolated from the rest of campus, with many students perishing on the unforgiving four day walk from campus to Clark Kerr (two and a half days if students choose to take a broomstick or the local campus bear transportation service Ubear) Its appearance is deceptive in the sense that it’s spanish style architecture most closely resembles that of a rival school which shall not be named.

Lovable oddballs who did not fit into any other category were placed into Unit 3, which used to have weekly meetings to decide what to protest, but those meetings were canceled after being protested by counterprotestors. Unit 3 is also home to people who use healing crystals and herbs, which students sometimes partake in in order to huffle and puff the day away.

Residents of UC Berkeley’s Class of 2020 are reminded that playing Quidditch on the rooftop of the dorms are strictly prohibited as Quidditch is restricted solely to Memorial Glade. First years are also reminded that cheering on Trees from the Forbidden Forest is strictly forbidden. Finally, dining hall chicken that has been left out for more than two hours is out of bounds for anyone who does not wish to have a painful evening.


Best of luck with the rest of your summer. And we look forward to seeing you at Berkeley.

 

About the author

Burr K. Lee

Burr K. Lee is a Berkeley student that enjoys using satire to draw issues to attention on campus. During his spare time, Lee enjoys working as a Burr-lesque dancer.

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