Berkeley

Satire

Berkeley College Republicans President challenges his secretary to an IQ test

In the wake of his alleged impeachment by BCR secretary Bradley Devlin, BCR’s disputed president Troy Worden has made a bold statement against his backstabbing ouster. Following in the steps of Worden’s lord and savior, President Trump, he challenged Devlin to the ultimate test of political capability- an IQ test….

Satire

Six weeks in, freshman start to set achievable goals

From exceptionally smelly roommates to the pedobear mascot, there is a plethora of things for a Berkeley freshman to complain about. Although issues such as screeching vegans and alt-right bigots were to be expected, most freshman were unprepared for the shock that is the grueling Cal academia. Though this year’s…

Satire

Martin Luther King Jr. rolls over in his grave during BCR event

Last Wednesday, a series of seemingly apocalyptic events combined with a festering post-election rage caused an upheaval in Berkeley that graces the front page of conservative news sources across America. Fortunately there were no zombies involved in this near apocalypse- though they certainly would have been preferable to Milo Yiannopoulos,…

Haas

Haas Adds Personality Test to Application Process

Starting next year, a personality test will be added to undergraduates’ application process for Berkeley’s Haas School of Business. According to the spokesperson of the Haas Admissions Committee, the test will replace the essay portion of the current application requirements, considerably shortening the time students have spend on figuring out…

Satire

Greek system respects consent when it’s not Halloween

Though Halloween is usually an extremely anticipated holiday among Berkeley students, this year’s spooky festivities were threatened by some alarming circumstances. Due to recent sexual assaults, which seem to be a popular pastime among certain fraternities, the Cal Greek system shut down all their social activities until members could learn…

Satire

Graduation: It all goes downhill from here

As the momentary joy of graduation fades away, there remains one despairing question on every Berkeley graduate’s mind: Now what? It’s been a couple of days since the class of 2016 sat through their grueling four hour graduation ceremony in the sun, unsure of whether the streams of water running…

Satire

UCB Administration holds “Baked Sale” to raise funds for school

Green is in the air as the University sells blunts to make up lost funds On April 20th, as hundreds of students flocked to Memorial Glade in Bob Marley shirts to look for a cure for their moderate glaucoma, anxiety, and stress, the University announced that it would be holding…

Satire

Berkeley student fits entire Crossroads salad bar into backpack

UCB students puts Salad Bar into Backpack Pocketing a couple pieces of fruit or even an entire Tupperware container of quinoa is a common habit for students eating at Crossroads Dining Commons. However, grocery shopping at Crossroads was taken to a new extreme this week when first year Econ major…

Fantasy

UC Berkeley student finds Affordable Apartment

               Berkeley Sophomore manages to find inexpensive apartment Last week, sophomore Jacqueline Broma managed to sign the contract on a 2000 sq. foot single apartment for just $600 a month. Broma’s apartment came complete with running water, toilet, microwave, and the luxury of a…

Satire

Student relieved to be using own bathroom over Spring Break

Warning. This post contains a buttload of bathroom jokes. On Friday, as student Stephen Hong settled into his couch at home, he breathed a sigh of relief for the umpteenth time. Hong, who had traveled home for break last Saturday, stated that while it was nice not to have to…