Students’ will to live directly correlated with number of dog sightings per day

As midterm season (i.e. every damn week) crawls on endlessly while spring break seems somehow increasingly farther away, it is clear that Cal students need some sort of relief from the torment that is college.

“I’m so done,” sighed one student. “For Lent this year, I actually decided to give up altogether.”

Since the student health insurance, SHIP, can get you nothing but a Band-Aid at the cost of two hours of waiting in line, and even walking down to the TANG center is like trekking to Mordor, students are finding it difficult to get any help for their mental health.

“It seems like every day it is harder to get out of bed and face the hellish abyss that is existence,” bemoaned another student, her head under her covers.

Fortunately, there is one constant in life: the feeling of unwavering joy that arises at the sight of a dog.

“It’s a magical, incomparable feeling,” gushes one student, with tears in his eyes. “I imagine it feels similar to my parents saying they’re proud of me, except I wouldn’t know.”

Since their domestication, dogs have proudly served us as protectors and companions, but only recently have they become more. With the emergence of  “Dogspotting” groups on Facebook, and new lingo such as “doggo,” “woofer,” and other absurdly delightful nicknames, it would seem that society has increasingly relied their happiness and entertainment on the godsend that is the canine.

The psychology department at Berkeley decided to research this phenomenon, and they confirmed the astounding news: people really, really like dogs.

“It has always been evident that dogs loved people,” Dr. Ashley Chen said. “But novel research has shown that the more we interact with dogs, the less we hate ourselves.”

Another student validated this: “Today I pondered going to class or just saying ‘screw it all,’ but then I remembered: dogs are a thing. And I, like, felt better holding onto that thought of purity.”

Whether petting them or spotting them from afar, having access to a dog is everything for a college student who misses Mr. Paws from back home. So next time you’re finding yourself unmotivated to live, just remember: dogs don’t give a damn about your GPA.

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