Student skips gym this week because crying also burns Calories

picture of a laptop
Picture taken before tears seeped into the laptop and almost fried it.

Student does everything she can to avoid studying in Main Stacks

As dead week rolled around, and people in various stages of final stress went about their business in Main Stacks, one student sat huddled under a blanket working on her 24 page history paper on the social ramifications of 18th century Puritan literature. Shannon Stanton had spent the past 7 hours crouched over her laptop desperately searching Wikipedia for any sources to add to her essay due in less than 72 hours (It should be noted that 3 of those 7 hours had been spent trying to do everything but work).

It was Friday and Shannon’s phone kept vibrating as her friends sent snaps on Snaps of them partying in San Francisco (Because who doesn’t want to see snaps of a dimly lit room with flashing lights?). Across from her, annoying couples were cuddling as they studied together in the library. As it was dead week, cold as balls in the library, and her brutal attempt at trying to cram a physics textbook she had not opened all semester had rendered her emotions into a bottomless black pit, Stanton chose to cuddle with her overheating laptop as she slowly made progress on her essay.

Though Friday afternoon was usually the time that Stanton would be at the gym doing yoga or cardio; based on a random website that she had found herself on while procrastinating on her essay, she decided to give herself a break this week because she had read that crying burns 1.3 calories per minute. And based on the fact that enough water had come out of her eyes to solve the drought crisis in California twice over, Stanton reasoned that she would be okay this week fitness wise.

Stanton went through a range of emotions as she worked on her essay that went from anger at her professor for teaching such a dumb class to anger at herself for not opening the reader this semester to anger at the Puritans for being so boring to fantasies about moving to the Bahamas and opening up a Tiki bar with that ripped dude from the Old Spice Commercials.

Throughout the process, Stanton went through a range of emotions as she worked on her essay that went from anger at her professor for teaching such a dumb class to anger at herself for not opening the reader this semester to anger at the Puritans for being so boring to fantasies about moving to the Bahamas and opening up a Tiki bar with that ripped dude from the Old Spice Commercials.

If anyone sees the imaginary character of Shannon that we made up for the purposes of this article in the library, please encourage her by telling her to watch the Shia Laboeuf video “Just do it”, then please go lie down as you are seeing imaginary characters. On the other hand, if anyone feels that they are Shannon, know that you can, in fact do it, and that we believe in you.

From all of us here at the Berkeley Beet, Good Luck.

About the author

Burr K. Lee

Burr K. Lee is a Berkeley student that enjoys using satire to draw issues to attention on campus. During his spare time, Lee enjoys working as a Burr-lesque dancer.

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