Student relieved to be using own bathroom over Spring Break

Not a Berkeley Bathroom. Obviously.

Warning. This post contains a buttload of bathroom jokes.

On Friday, as student Stephen Hong settled into his couch at home, he breathed a sigh of relief for the umpteenth time. Hong, who had traveled home for break last Saturday, stated that while it was nice not to have to cook and be fussed over by his mother, what was even nicer was that he wouldn’t have to go near a bathroom in the Berkeley area for an entire week (adding relevance to the term Bathroom Break).

Despite the best efforts of janitors at UC Berkeley who literally aren’t being paid enough to handle all the crap they have to deal with every day (like seriously, WTF Berkeley?), Berkeley’s bathrooms have remained an atrocious mess. If students had a dollar for every paper towel thrown in the overflowing trashcan in Wheeler, they would probably have enough to purchase a textbook. Though many students have urged the university administration to switch over to blow dryers rather than wasteful paper towels, administration officials have declined, citing they enjoyed wasting energy and resources.

While Berkeley has relied on its roots as an ancient and historical bathroom with pride, it was probably built in an era where outhouses were still used, as students walking anywhere in Berkeley are conveniently at least 15 minutes from the nearest restroom.

Currently, Berkeley has a restroom ratio of 1 bathroom for every 4 floors in buildings such as Moffit and Wheeler. According to Math major Judas Rinaldo, with Berkeley time allowing students 10 minutes between classes and only an average of a 8 minute wait to use the bathroom, students have a higher chance of paying off their student loans before 50 than they have of using the restroom and getting back in time for class.

Upon reaching the restrooms in Moffit for example, students will find themselves in a line more appropriate for a Beyonce concert, only to reach the front and find something more akin to a Nickleback show.

Upon reaching the restrooms in Moffit for example, students will find themselves in a line more appropriate for a Beyonce concert, only to reach the front and find something more akin to a Nickleback show. Students may be surprised to learn that a majority of bathrooms at Cal are actually tiled white, rather than the soul sucking 50 shades of brown that they are used to seeing.

Due to Berkeley’s housing prices, sharing a bathroom apartment has also become an issue. With an average of 4 to 5 people in every two-bedroom apartment, racing to use the bathroom has become less like Jetpack Joyride and more Street Fighter V (the winner of the brawl for the bathroom gets to wash off their blood in it). Incidentally, some of the cleanest bathrooms are in the chemistry building, which is ironic given how clean chemistry students leave their lab spaces.

Visitors to an all girl’s apartment should be warned that when they enter the bathroom, the tiles are not covered in shag carpet so much as they are in hair that has clogged up the drain.

But while students like Hong are relieved to be spending their break using a clean bathroom, UC Berkeley mascot Oski is perfectly fine with answering his need to use the can in the same bathroom that drunk frat boys have been using since time immemorial: nature.

About the author

Burr K. Lee

Burr K. Lee is a Berkeley student that enjoys using satire to draw issues to attention on campus. During his spare time, Lee enjoys working as a Burr-lesque dancer.

Be the first to comment

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.


*