After a few weeks of protests, Berkeley’s administration has finally relented and given the much coveted Student Store space to Bridges, a coalition of seven student organizations aimed at recruiting and retaining underrepresented students. They were offered dozens of other spaces on campus, but they decided to decline all offers because they wouldn’t be able continue their victim mentality if the administration had been completely cooperative. Many are worried that the loss of the Student Store would incur a loss of revenue to the ASUC– and as an extension of it, to Bridges itself; however, the student organization has mitigated all concerns by finding another source of profits.
“We have decided to make up the ASUC’s loss of revenue by banking on right wing outrage,” explains Bridges leader Amy Izquierdo. “We have partnered with Fox News and Heatstreet: they will pay us to provide material for them to report on so that their readers can continue to be outraged about the existence of liberal thinking at a university they never went to.”
The idea for this partnership came about after a video of a protest blocking Sather Gate made its way through social media and into the online stomping grounds of irate conservatives. Allegedly, white students were prohibited from passing through the gate and were instead forced to walk around it, falling victim to an outrageous act of discrimination meant to promote nationwide segregation in a neo-antebellum America. “Usually I’m five minutes late to my class in Dwinelle,” reported undergraduate Michael Roth. “Because of the protests I was 6.3 minutes late; I can’t believe they have interrupted my education in such a blatantly offensive manner.” It was later revealed that the protestors were prohibiting all students from passing through the gates, regardless of their race. However, the video was unable to capture that vital piece of information because it was recorded by a white right-wing who was too blinded by privilege to perceive the truth. In the end, this new information did nothing to deter the heavy flow of angry conservatives flocking to UC Berkeley’s facebook page in order to give it a 1 star review. Furiously accusing the university of racism while proudly sporting Trump 2016 merchandise, hundreds of indignant white reviewers expressed great offense at briefly facing what people of color are subjected to on a regular basis.
To continue offending right-wings, Bridges is preparing to engage itself in a number of actions deemed controversial by conservatives. They plan on asking students what their preferred pronouns are, wishing everyone “happy holidays” instead of a “merry Christmas”, and criticizing the use of racial slurs and offensive jokes. Despite having their belief systems violated, Fox News is relieved about the creation of this partnership because Obama’s term is nearing its end, so they will lose 90% of their current content in two months. Given that it is likely that a Republican might live in the white house during the next four years, they are in desperate need of new material for their white right wing baby boomers to be outraged about.