Satire

UC Berkeley Jon Snow to play Game of Finals

When you play the Game of Finals, you win or you cry This week, despite spending hours sitting by the White Wall at Moffit studying for finals, junior Jon Snow has admitted that he still knows nothing despite spending all his time there watching “The Vow”. As a double major…

Satire

UC Berkeley Student sadly unsurprised by shitty handling of Harassment cases

Warning: Contains Strong Language Following the recent revelation of 19 sexual harassment cases filed against the University that have been kept quiet by UC Berkeley officials until now, sophomore Bernice Chen revealed that she failed to be surprised anymore by the University’s failure to provide an adequate response to sexual harassment…

Satire

Student Donates Kidney to get into Undergraduate Research

Student donates kidney to make himself more competitive for undergrad research program Last week, pre-med junior James Nephron was in the middle of his MCB 102 midterm when he realized that the year was almost over and he had yet to participate in undergraduate research. Nephron was so shocked he…

Satire

UCB Administration holds “Baked Sale” to raise funds for school

Green is in the air as the University sells blunts to make up lost funds On April 20th, as hundreds of students flocked to Memorial Glade in Bob Marley shirts to look for a cure for their moderate glaucoma, anxiety, and stress, the University announced that it would be holding…

Satire

CS61A Group Project becomes New Enrollment System

UC Berkeley uses CS student project for new enrollment system in order to help save money On March 2016, UC Berkeley switched over its enrollment system from Telebears to Cal Central. This change will move informational services and websites such as Tele-Bears, MyFinAid, Bearfacts, and Chancellor Dirks’s personal tumblr into…

Satire

Berkeley student fits entire Crossroads salad bar into backpack

UCB students puts Salad Bar into Backpack Pocketing a couple pieces of fruit or even an entire Tupperware container of quinoa is a common habit for students eating at Crossroads Dining Commons. However, grocery shopping at Crossroads was taken to a new extreme this week when first year Econ major…

Fantasy

UC Berkeley student finds Affordable Apartment

               Berkeley Sophomore manages to find inexpensive apartment Last week, sophomore Jacqueline Broma managed to sign the contract on a 2000 sq. foot single apartment for just $600 a month. Broma’s apartment came complete with running water, toilet, microwave, and the luxury of a…

Satire

Student relieved to be using own bathroom over Spring Break

Warning. This post contains a buttload of bathroom jokes. On Friday, as student Stephen Hong settled into his couch at home, he breathed a sigh of relief for the umpteenth time. Hong, who had traveled home for break last Saturday, stated that while it was nice not to have to…

Satire

University to change motto to Fiat Lux 3000 in order to reduce deficit

On Thursday, after University officials met to discuss structural changes in light of the school’s $150-million-dollar deficit, University Spokesperson Bentley Cooper announced that the school would be changing its motto from “Fiat Lux” to “Fiat Lux 3000” in order to promote Fiat’s luxury line of cars. Whereas “Fiat Lux” was…

Satire

UCB creates Hunger Games to determine which programs to cut

This week, it was announced that UC Berkeley was considering the elimination of its public health program due to a 150-million-dollar structural deficit. According to one University spokesperson “Health and Safety are our #1 priorities to UC Berkeley students. So while we won’t have a public health program, at least you’ll…