Satire

Therapy Dogs needing euthanasia after trip to Cal

Finals week is right around the corner, and Berkeley students have flooded the campus libraries in a desperate attempt to compensate for their lack of productivity throughout the semester. This miserable week before finals is known as “ dead week ”, as every Berkeley student is either on the verge…

Haas

Haas Adds Personality Test to Application Process

Starting next year, a personality test will be added to undergraduates’ application process for Berkeley’s Haas School of Business. According to the spokesperson of the Haas Admissions Committee, the test will replace the essay portion of the current application requirements, considerably shortening the time students have spend on figuring out…

Satire

Its Just a Game After All

On a Saturday afternoon when even the gods themselves were weeping for Cal’s soon inevitable loss, thousands of poncho-clad Bears rolled into California memorial stadium, hoping to win back the Stanford Axe. The Cal students in attendance wanted the axe not only to feel better about getting rejected from Stanford,…

Satire

Abstinence on Tuesday

She looked incredible in her yoga pants and tight pink tank-top, a flirtatious outfit that left little to the imagination. “Are you ready?” I whispered into her ear, running my fingers slowly down her arm. She lay on her back, ready to take whatever I gave her. “Yeah, give it…

Satire

Student Organization Planning to Profit Off Right-Wing Outrage

After a few weeks of protests, Berkeley’s administration has finally relented and given the much coveted Student Store space to Bridges, a coalition of seven student organizations aimed at recruiting and retaining underrepresented students. They were offered dozens of other spaces on campus, but they decided to decline all offers…

Satire

Greek system respects consent when it’s not Halloween

Though Halloween is usually an extremely anticipated holiday among Berkeley students, this year’s spooky festivities were threatened by some alarming circumstances. Due to recent sexual assaults, which seem to be a popular pastime among certain fraternities, the Cal Greek system shut down all their social activities until members could learn…

Satire

Crime Rate in Berkeley Increasing Faster than Student Debt

At this point in the fall semester, morale is low and tensions are high as Berkeley students flounder about the murky depths of midterm season, all the while surreptitiously eyeing the “cancel registration” button on Cal Central. Though midterm season regularly robs students of self esteem and assaults them with…

hiring

We’re Hiring!

Are you tired of scrolling through Beet articles only to find tedious rants on society littered with sporadic crappy jokes? Do you find yourself automatically drifting into a deep slumber as soon as you click on an article? Well maybe you could stop silently judging and actually help us out,…

Satire

UC Berkeley uses Sorting Hat to place students into various dormitories

Last week UC Berkeley sent out housing decisions to the Class of 2020 Freshmen and Transfer students. Despite many complaints and offers to trade, students generally had no idea what the various dorm situations were like, and were just happy to feel one step closer to Cal and done with high…

Satire

Graduation: It all goes downhill from here

As the momentary joy of graduation fades away, there remains one despairing question on every Berkeley graduate’s mind: Now what? It’s been a couple of days since the class of 2016 sat through their grueling four hour graduation ceremony in the sun, unsure of whether the streams of water running…