Satire

Kingpin welcomes record sales from Free Speech Week police force

Though members of the Berkeley community have expressed discomfort towards the unprecedented numbers of police officers swarming the area, Kingpin Donuts has reportedly embraced this new demographic. Ever since Ben Sharpie came to grace the campus with his presence, Kingpin employees have been working nonstop to fill orders for vigilant…

Satire

CS Major Newly Employed at Google tells English Major to Follow her Dreams

English major Paige Turner was allegedly nearly shocked into a coma last Wednesday when she was told by her friend in computer science, Tanisha Castillo, to follow her dreams. Castillo had been reportedly offered a job at Google only minutes before the incident, and had gleefully run to tell Turner…

Satire

4/20 loses its appeal since weed is now legal

Following the outlandish and disgraceful spectacle that was the 2016 U.S. presidential election, liberal Californians basically had only one good political thing to look forward to: the legalization of recreational marijuana. Back in November, the new state policy had widespread and noticeable effects, especially at Cal. For one, Berkeley police…

hiring

Foothill Dining Hall Utilizes Dorm Rats as Locally Sourced Ingredient

Earlier this week, Cal Dining announced their latest local ingredients night at Foothill dining hall— PieRats in the CaRatbean. Cal Dining plans on combining the mysterious and charming life of a pirate with locally sourced, fresh ingredients to create an unforgettable dining experience for all students. The excellent chefs at…

Satire

Humanities student hopes to marry rich

Though the semester is quickly approaching its end, some seniors are still scrambling to find post-graduation employment. While certain majors are being scooped up by Fortune 500 companies, other majors are faring no better than Rachel Dolezal in their job hunting. One humanities major, Goldie Diggs, has taken to spending…

Satire

English major donates $50 to Cal, gets doorknob named after her

Recently, a young graduate of Berkeley’s Haas school of business has decided to give 25 million dollars  back to his beloved major, as if Haas didn’t already have enough money. As a result of this incredibly generous contribution, the new Haas building will be named after him and his wife….

Satire

BREAKING First time in 50 years Sproul Flyer did not end up in recycle

[BREAKING] The Berkeley Beet has confirmed reports that at 11:03 am this morning junior Matey Bakir successfully gave freshman Kalyn Lilly a flyer that she did not immediately throw away. Interestingly enough, Lilly has considered attending the event on the flyer, stating: “at first I just accepted the flyer on…

Satire

California Drought Resurgence Traced to Moffitt Toilets

Californians rejoiced mid January as positive news finally broke in regards to the five year drought, with the United States Geological Survey claiming that the worst is finally over and that EECS majors no longer have an excuse for not showering. Though the immediate danger has passed, the USGS claims…

Satire

L&S Student More Likely to get a Valentine’s Day date than Advising Appointment

Lucas Schultz hesitated for just a second before sending his message, and he felt his heart flutter as he waited for the response. For a moment he felt optimistic and thought he might finally be able to meet with her, but then CalCentral alerted him that the advising appointments had…

Satire

Martin Luther King Jr. rolls over in his grave during BCR event

Last Wednesday, a series of seemingly apocalyptic events combined with a festering post-election rage caused an upheaval in Berkeley that graces the front page of conservative news sources across America. Fortunately there were no zombies involved in this near apocalypse- though they certainly would have been preferable to Milo Yiannopoulos,…