Oski on the run from Stanford PD for urinating on trees to ‘mark territory’

oski, mascot
Wanted: Giant Anthropomorphic Cardigan-wearing bear with eyes that stare straight into your soul.

On Thursday night, it was reported that Oski was on the run from the Stanford police department after he had been found urinating on various trees at the Stanford University campus in order “mark his territory ahead of the big game.”

According to the Wanted Persons report filed by Stanford PD, Oski was seen arriving on campus early Thursday evening when he made the “unfortunate decision to head over to the Stanford University Campus and publicly urinate on the local wildlife and vegetation.” Impressively, Oski managed to write out the words “This is Bear Territory” using only his urine on the roots of a nearby Redwood tree.

Impressively, Oski managed to write out the words “This is Bear Territory” using only his urine on the roots of a nearby Redwood tree.

Due to the fact that Oksi is an oversized anthropomorphic cardigan-wearing bear with the kind of dead looking eyes that you get from having 3 midterms back to back and doesn’t have an actual working mouth, he has not yet issued a statement.

Earlier, Oski was reportedly seen hanging out the Beta Alpha Epsilon Ro fraternity house where he spent the afternoon drinking and having a debate on race relations with his friend Ursa Americanus, (a black bear), Panda bear (a biracial black and white bear with Asian heritage), Polar bear (a white bear), and Trotski (a communist bear).  By the end of the argument however, Oski was reportedly so drunk that he made the decision to take an Ubear (the bear ride sharing company, not to be confused with Uber, the car ride sharing company) to Stanford in order to blow off some steam.

Stanford PD are currently looking for Oski. However, if their police department is anything like their football team, they will most likely catch, then fumble and drop him before letting him get away.

 

 

About the author

Burr K. Lee

Burr K. Lee is a Berkeley student that enjoys using satire to draw issues to attention on campus. During his spare time, Lee enjoys working as a Burr-lesque dancer.

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