Math Department to place ban on hiring Professors who make learning fun

Pictured: Students at another school, where making Math enjoyable is allowed.

On Saturday, it was revealed that UC Berkeley’s Math Department would be letting go of Professor Alexander Coward at the end of the school year.

After an understandable outpouring of disbelief from students, teachers, parents and faculty alike, the Math Department issued a statement saying that thought it had always been looked down upon to hire Professors who would make math fun, the rule would now be codified into Departmental policy.

According to Professor Arthur Ogus “Teachers are not supposed to make teaching fun, but rather are there to make students’ lives miserable,” before resuming stroking the kitten he had been holding while sitting in his overstuffed executive swively chair. Ogus finished by saying “having a Professor that makes learning math enjoyable is like having  the Cal football team win more than 3 games in a row-unheard of”.

Unheard of yes, but not impossible.

In 2013, Professor Coward sent an email to his students that discussed the value of a higher education. While most were impressed by Coward’s eloquence and passion, many were just surprised that a Professor from the notorious Math Department could go a full sentence talking about the research that he or she was doing.

where many of the Math professors are chosen for their ability to walk around with a calculator shoved between their buttocks in order to better conduct research, many were surprised to see a Professor from the Math Department walking and talking like a normal human being.

Because UC Berkeley is a research university where many of the Math professors are chosen for their ability to walk around with a calculator shoved between their buttocks in order to better conduct research, many were surprised to see a Professor from the Math Department walking and talking like a normal human being. Coward was also known for being love of Math, which when combined with his teaching style, threatened to infect his students with something close to enjoyment for the notoriously difficult subject.

According to another Math Professor who wished to remain anonymous, “Coward was making us look bad, so he had to go”, which apparently was the same logic that Destiny’s Child used to kick out Beyoncé.

But Beyoncé, as the story goes, went on to have one of the greatest musical careers of all time, while a large majority of the younger freshmen reading this had to google Destiny’s Child to find out who they were.

If you would like to sign a petition showing your support for Coward, you can do so here.

 

 

 

About the author

Burr K. Lee

Burr K. Lee is a Berkeley student that enjoys using satire to draw issues to attention on campus. During his spare time, Lee enjoys working as a Burr-lesque dancer.

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