Martin Luther King Jr. rolls over in his grave during BCR event

Last Wednesday, a series of seemingly apocalyptic events combined with a festering post-election rage caused an upheaval in Berkeley that graces the front page of conservative news sources across America. Fortunately there were no zombies involved in this near apocalypse- though they certainly would have been preferable to Milo Yiannopoulos, who is also a merciless and degenerate creature hell-bent on destroying his victims’ brains.

In the infinitely wise words of Chancellor Dirks, Milo Yiannopoulos is a “troll and provocateur” who “has been widely and rightly condemned for engaging in hate speech directed at a wide range of groups and individuals.” However, wide-ranging criticism of Breitbart’s self-dubbed “Dangerous Faggot” didn’t deter the infamous Berkeley College Republican group from inviting their fellow “Trump-sexual” to parade his frosted tips and hateful rhetoric on our own campus. As a result, meme-worthy chaos ensued. At around 6 pm on Wednesday, black-clad anarchists began tearing down the barricades in front of MLK (ostensibly as practice for their next target, Trump’s 12 billion dollar wall).  What followed was a situation best described as “lit,” mostly because actual fire was employed in driving Milo off the campus. As the air filled with tear gas and rubber bullets, some of the more peaceful protesters swore they heard Martin Luther King Jr. roll over in his grave.

“Not only is there a white supremacist preparing to give a speech in MLK,” mourned sophomore Amelia Brennan, “there’s also enough violence to turn King’s noble dream into a pure nightmare.”

Interesting enough, the real feud started afterwards when Trump and Dirks battled it out on Twitter. Freshman Matthew Kim commented, “Trump wants to defund us, but he didn’t realize that Dirks was way ahead of him there.” Some have compared Dirks and Trump’s squabble to the rivalry between Dumbledore and Voldemort, citing Trump’s freakish appearance and merciless quest for power as reminiscent of everyone’s favorite wizarding tyrant. Furthermore, Trump’s white supremacist agenda bears a striking resemblance to Voldemort’s desire to destroy non-pureblood wizards. Though Dirks doesn’t quite live up to Dumbledore’s legendary status as headmaster, he supposedly owns an elder wand powerful enough to make public funds magically appear in his own pockets. But for now, we’re relying on Dirks to keep our campus from Trump’s tiny little grasp.

Understandably, there has been increased hostility towards the Berkeley College Republicans for their ill-conceived event.  “When the Republicans are sending their people,” declared one student, “they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing white supremacy; they’re bringing injustice. They’re racists. And some, I assume, are good people.”

“When the Republicans are sending their people,” declared one student, “they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing white supremacy; they’re bringing fascism. They’re racists. And some, I assume, are good people.”
Currently, the Berkeley College Republicans plan to continue tabling on Sproul in hopes of further antagonizing Cal students in an already tense environment. Members of the Berkeley community have increasingly wondered why BCR’s pop up tent bears an American flag pattern when it really should be the Confederate flag instead. Some things we may never know, though it is rumored that the BCR is inviting KKK members to speak at their next fascist get-together.

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