Kingpin welcomes record sales from Free Speech Week police force

Though members of the Berkeley community have expressed discomfort towards the unprecedented numbers of police officers swarming the area, Kingpin Donuts has reportedly embraced this new demographic. Ever since Ben Sharpie came to grace the campus with his presence, Kingpin employees have been working nonstop to fill orders for vigilant officers needing nourishment to keep the community safe. “Berkeley is overrun with dangerous criminals these days,” asserted Officer Dean Baranas, who reportedly bought sixty dollars’ worth of glazed donuts in cash. “Even hot dog vendors pose a huge threat to the community.” 

“Even hot dog vendors pose a huge threat to the community.”

Donuts have traditionally been a favorite food of police officers. Some researchers have suggested that this phenomenon is due to the sweet treat’s similarity to police officers themselves. “For example,” explained donut expert Candy Simmons, “police narratives are often filled with holes– just like donuts.” Others have chimed in on the topic as well. With a chocolate twist donut in hand, local dessert enthusiast Brian Robles told The Beet that “police officers can sometimes be pretty twisted, just like this donut I’m eating.” A third source, first year Cal student Alicia Wong, has openly expressed her dislike of both donuts and the police. “When donuts are involved, things are sure to get messy real fast,” she said, and then added, “it’s the same with the police.”

Unfortunately, Kingpin staff members could not be reached for comment on the donut-officer comparison because they were too busy baking for this upcoming week. With protests sure to happen, the police force need an extraordinary amount of sugar and carbs in their system to be on their A game. To students who are nervous about the (technically canceled) Free Speech Week, or even the occasional bacon-wrapped hot dog vendor, don’t worry! Thanks to Kingpin and the police, everything will be just fine.

 

 

 

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