Government shuts down to advise Trump on new haircut

Three weeks ago, the U.S. federal government shut down for three days, supposedly due to Congress’s failure to decide whether or not to incorporate DACA funding into an important bill.

This lack of decisiveness (and progress, and human decency) is not a surprise, as absurdity has become the new norm under President Trump. The unresolved DACA situation is just one facet of this administration’s bizarre attempt to relive the pre-civil rights glory days, an agenda that is almost as unsettling as Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ eyebrows.

Recently, some information has been leaked from within the bowels of the White House concerning the real reason behind the shutdown. Apparently, it wasn’t that Trump hates immigrants of color, but rather that his cohort of “like, really smart” white men decided to stage an intervention in order to improve his hairdo.

According to one source, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was recorded as saying, “America has become an embarrassment on the world stage due to Trump’s image…namely his hair.”

“His current hairstyle is doing him and his administration such injustice,” Mike Pence has admitted to another source. “Years from now, we don’t want Trump to be known as the president with awful hair. That would be such a devastation to history books.”

Trump was recently seen with the same roosting chicken comb-over, indicating that he has yet to change up his ‘do. Still, with the press reporting that the government may soon shut down again, it is safe to say that the next shutdown will give him and his hyper-masculine cabinet some much needed additional time to solidify a new hairstyle.

Why change up his road-kill toupee now? More research shows that he agreed to the change in part to spice things up for Valentine’s Day.

His latest tweet may confirm this:

“Spending time with Ivanka—I mean, Melania— on Valentine’s Day. Melania, my HOT wife with real character and class! Anyone who disagrees – perhaps year in jail! U. S. A.”

And with the thought of Trump celebrating the holiday with his wife—or daughter, whom he has deemed “hot” and “voluptuous,” mind you—now festering in our minds, we can now all go throw up.

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