UC Berkeley Jon Snow to play Game of Finals

the iron throne for finals week
A hotly contested seat in Moffit library

When you play the Game of Finals, you win or you cry

This week, despite spending hours sitting by the White Wall at Moffit studying for finals, junior Jon Snow has admitted that he still knows nothing despite spending all his time there watching “The Vow”.

As a double major in Business and English, Jon Snow has usually been an excellent student. Despite this, his performance in UGBA 115 is seriously compromised due to his horrendous teammates for the Capsim simulation, which simulates business scenarios for students to go through. Although Snow inherited the position of leader for his Capsim team due to being the bastard son of a Wall Street executive, his notion of investing for the long term are often disregarded in favor of his teammates wanting to earn short term profits. Snow is confident though that his teammates will eventually see things his way as the students at the Haas business program are not known for being cutthroat and backstabbing, especially when grades and internships are on the line.

Snow is confident though that his teammates will eventually see things his way as the students at the Haas business program are not known for being cutthroat and backstabbing, especially when grades and internships are on the line.

Despite this, Snow is one of the luckier ones to have prepared, studying so hard that his friends mistook him for dead at one point. Throughout Berkeley, students are panicking over the arrival of finals. Despite the repeated warning of “Final is coming” from the wise professors/maesters of the Citadel of Berkeley, students have let their warnings go unheeded and spent their semester drinking alcohol with the different fraternity lords in Greek row and disregarding their work.

However, as final approaches, tension begins to rise. Resources become scarce, and people are fighting harder and harder over them.  Throughout campus, the once-empty library seats become valuable commodities, with eager students fighting for these seats using brutal tactics such as trial by combat, backpack claiming, and passive aggressive posts on Free and For Sale.

Furthermore, with the strict policy on eating and drinking in the library, many students are finding creative ways to eat, from sneaking in Dragon Eggs to bringing Chicken Inbred Sandwiches sandwiches from the bro and sis restaurant to attending the bring-your-daughter-to-work day barbeque (hosted by Crossroads).

As Snow watches on from his usual place by the white wall, he has also discovered that people seems to have an immense fascination with naked people. During the biannual Naked Run, people from all around campus gathered to watch boobs and dongs fly through the air. Even though the casualties from dead weak have been high, seeing naked people apparently takes away the stress, and motivates people to keep working. However, in an attempt to dissuade people from joining in, the Berkeley administration has posted a nun ringing a bell behind them and yelling “shame” every couple seconds.

Ultimately, during the cold harshness of dead week, everyone’s a loser except for the EECS master race, who have been silently studying and biding their time as they prepare to conquer the world. These so called white walkers can be identified with their undeserved superiority complex, obnoxious attitude, and pale white skins from spending way too much time indoors.

 

About the author

Burr K. Lee

Burr K. Lee is a Berkeley student that enjoys using satire to draw issues to attention on campus. During his spare time, Lee enjoys working as a Burr-lesque dancer.

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