At this point in the fall semester, morale is low and tensions are high as Berkeley students flounder about the murky depths of midterm season, all the while surreptitiously eyeing the “cancel registration” button on Cal Central. Though midterm season regularly robs students of self esteem and assaults them with cringeworthy exams, students are unfortunately also being regularly robbed and assaulted within the city. Amidst cries of “HELL YEAH” and requests for weed every five seconds, students are forced to navigate the streets of Berkeley extremely carefully while traveling to their next class, study session, or location of mental breakdown. While Chancellor Dirks rest safely behind his fence (paid ostensibly with funds from Cal and not Mexico), his students have been forced to venture out into an increasingly unsafe environment. Additionally, there have also been reports of clown sightings around campus, though this was later confirmed to be members of Berkeley College Republicans returning from a workout at the RSF, where they were presumably “exercising” their privilege.
In response to these perilous circumstances, Chancellor Dirks has stated that he is “taking measures to ensure the safety of Cal’s assets.” According to an inside source, “Dirks cares greatly about his students, or at least their money. He hopes that before he officially retires, the flow of funds from Cal students would be sufficient to finance his plans for a three-story waterslide and solid gold swimming pool in his backyard.” Many students have already begun speaking out against this questionable allocation of public funds using social media platforms, namely the facebook page “UC Berkeley Memes for Edgy Teens.” “It is unclear whether Chancellor Dirks is yet aware of this organized effort,” reports second-year math major Evan Green, “since we’re all too passive to say anything in real life.”
Meanwhile, the University of California claims to be low on funding after having spent most of their money on Nixle, a program that might as well be replaced by the student-run Facebook group “Free & For Sale.” In fact, valiant members of “Free & For Sale” alerted fellow students of the recent shooting a few minutes after it happened, while Nixle employees were evidently in bed peacefully sleeping away our problems. A warning was emailed to Berkeley students by the next morning, but only after three-fourths of the campus had already found out through other means. Methods such as smoke signals, morse code, and even telepathy proved to surpass Nixle in efficiency during this frightening time. In an attempt to make up for their lack of action, Nixle later released information about another shooter, thus briefly establishing their credibility before students realized that the shooting occurred halfway across the country at the University of Cincinnati.
On the bright side, Berkeley students were not particularly concerned for their own safety to begin with. Many have already voiced their indifference to being hit by a car, which explains why jaywalking is such a common mode of transportation. “If I’m in mortal danger,” explains third-year EECS major Dam Sun, “I won’t have to take my midterm.” Others have voiced their assent, pointing out that the offender’s financial reparations could easily pay for the victim’s tuition. By adopting this perspective, students of UC Berkeley have managed to keep a positive outlook on their dangerous surroundings, finding solace in the idea of “no pain, no gain.”