Sports

Satire

Student Criticizes “Pathetic” Athletes in Winter Olympics after 15th Bag of Doritos

With a beer in hand and orange dorito dust powdering his extremities, UC Berkeley junior Joe Richard watched the winter olympic halfpipe competition in disgust. “Wow, I could pull off that 1080 in my sleep, bro,” he exclaimed, despite having never seen snow in his life. Nevertheless, he remains an…

Satire

Women’s march participants happily watch Super Bowl without a shred of conscience

Just a couple weeks after thousands of women took to the streets in protest of systemic injustice, approximately way too many of those women proceeded to cheerfully watch this year’s Super Bowl. Casting aside their iconically binary pussy hats, women everywhere settled down for an enjoyable afternoon of condoning white…

Satire

Its Just a Game After All

On a Saturday afternoon when even the gods themselves were weeping for Cal’s soon inevitable loss, thousands of poncho-clad Bears rolled into California memorial stadium, hoping to win back the Stanford Axe. The Cal students in attendance wanted the axe not only to feel better about getting rejected from Stanford,…

Satire

Berkeley to move CS61A lectures to Memorial Stadium

On Friday, it was reported that due to the vast number of students in attendance at its CS61a lectures, UC Berkeley’s CS department announced that it would be moving the location of its lectures to Memorial Stadium. Though UC Berkeley has more than 276 degree programs, by far one of…