Satire

Satire

Its Just a Game After All

On a Saturday afternoon when even the gods themselves were weeping for Cal’s soon inevitable loss, thousands of poncho-clad Bears rolled into California memorial stadium, hoping to win back the Stanford Axe. The Cal students in attendance wanted the axe not only to feel better about getting rejected from Stanford,…

Satire

Abstinence on Tuesday

She looked incredible in her yoga pants and tight pink tank-top, a flirtatious outfit that left little to the imagination. “Are you ready?” I whispered into her ear, running my fingers slowly down her arm. She lay on her back, ready to take whatever I gave her. “Yeah, give it…

Satire

Student Organization Planning to Profit Off Right-Wing Outrage

After a few weeks of protests, Berkeley’s administration has finally relented and given the much coveted Student Store space to Bridges, a coalition of seven student organizations aimed at recruiting and retaining underrepresented students. They were offered dozens of other spaces on campus, but they decided to decline all offers…

Satire

Greek system respects consent when it’s not Halloween

Though Halloween is usually an extremely anticipated holiday among Berkeley students, this year’s spooky festivities were threatened by some alarming circumstances. Due to recent sexual assaults, which seem to be a popular pastime among certain fraternities, the Cal Greek system shut down all their social activities until members could learn…

Satire

Crime Rate in Berkeley Increasing Faster than Student Debt

At this point in the fall semester, morale is low and tensions are high as Berkeley students flounder about the murky depths of midterm season, all the while surreptitiously eyeing the “cancel registration” button on Cal Central. Though midterm season regularly robs students of self esteem and assaults them with…

Satire

UC Berkeley uses Sorting Hat to place students into various dormitories

Last week UC Berkeley sent out housing decisions to the Class of 2020 Freshmen and Transfer students. Despite many complaints and offers to trade, students generally had no idea what the various dorm situations were like, and were just happy to feel one step closer to Cal and done with high…

Satire

Graduation: It all goes downhill from here

As the momentary joy of graduation fades away, there remains one despairing question on every Berkeley graduate’s mind: Now what? It’s been a couple of days since the class of 2016 sat through their grueling four hour graduation ceremony in the sun, unsure of whether the streams of water running…

Satire

UC Berkeley Jon Snow to play Game of Finals

When you play the Game of Finals, you win or you cry This week, despite spending hours sitting by the White Wall at Moffit studying for finals, junior Jon Snow has admitted that he still knows nothing despite spending all his time there watching “The Vow”. As a double major…

Satire

UC Berkeley Student sadly unsurprised by shitty handling of Harassment cases

Warning: Contains Strong Language Following the recent revelation of 19 sexual harassment cases filed against the University that have been kept quiet by UC Berkeley officials until now, sophomore Bernice Chen revealed that she failed to be surprised anymore by the University’s failure to provide an adequate response to sexual harassment…

Satire

Student Donates Kidney to get into Undergraduate Research

Student donates kidney to make himself more competitive for undergrad research program Last week, pre-med junior James Nephron was in the middle of his MCB 102 midterm when he realized that the year was almost over and he had yet to participate in undergraduate research. Nephron was so shocked he…