Satire

Satire

Student Criticizes “Pathetic” Athletes in Winter Olympics after 15th Bag of Doritos

With a beer in hand and orange dorito dust powdering his extremities, UC Berkeley junior Joe Richard watched the winter olympic halfpipe competition in disgust. “Wow, I could pull off that 1080 in my sleep, bro,” he exclaimed, despite having never seen snow in his life. Nevertheless, he remains an…

Diversity

Government shuts down to advise Trump on new haircut

Three weeks ago, the U.S. federal government shut down for three days, supposedly due to Congress’s failure to decide whether or not to incorporate DACA funding into an important bill. This lack of decisiveness (and progress, and human decency) is not a surprise, as absurdity has become the new norm…

Satire

Women’s march participants happily watch Super Bowl without a shred of conscience

Just a couple weeks after thousands of women took to the streets in protest of systemic injustice, approximately way too many of those women proceeded to cheerfully watch this year’s Super Bowl. Casting aside their iconically binary pussy hats, women everywhere settled down for an enjoyable afternoon of condoning white…

Satire

Thanksgiving turkey would rather die than be pardoned by Trump

The White House tradition of pardoning a turkey every Thanksgiving has come to a screeching halt with a bold  declaration from this year’s designated bird. “I refuse to bear the indignity of it,” he reportedly gobbled while discussing the idea of being pardoned by President Trump. “I mean, the guy also…

Diversity

The only two straight males in Gender & Women’s studies department found each other!

Shocking news from the normally irrelevant Gender & Women’s studies department Thursday—the only two straight males in the whole department found each other!  Sean Gray and Cody Weissman sat down with The Beet to talk about this transformative experience. “Honestly, I was getting hopeless” Sean said. “I thought I could…

Satire

Sophomore declares major he’ll regret 3 years from now

BREAKING — Sophomore William Peters broke his silence on Facebook last night by posting about his acceptance into the Media Studies program at UC Berkeley — a decision his future self will look back on with self-hatred. Friends and family congratulated Peters on his achievement and his complete disregard of…

Satire

Berkeley College Republicans President challenges his secretary to an IQ test

In the wake of his alleged impeachment by BCR secretary Bradley Devlin, BCR’s disputed president Troy Worden has made a bold statement against his backstabbing ouster. Following in the steps of Worden’s lord and savior, President Trump, he challenged Devlin to the ultimate test of political capability- an IQ test….

Satire

Hero student adds frame to Facebook profile picture, single handedly ends racism

 In the face of an increasingly racist and bigoted society, one student activist has decided to risk everything in her fight for social justice. UC Berkeley junior Tessa White recently made a bold statement by adding a frame to her Facebook profile picture. The powerful words “Stand Against Racism,” emblazoned…

Satire

Six weeks in, freshman start to set achievable goals

From exceptionally smelly roommates to the pedobear mascot, there is a plethora of things for a Berkeley freshman to complain about. Although issues such as screeching vegans and alt-right bigots were to be expected, most freshman were unprepared for the shock that is the grueling Cal academia. Though this year’s…

Satire

Kingpin welcomes record sales from Free Speech Week police force

Though members of the Berkeley community have expressed discomfort towards the unprecedented numbers of police officers swarming the area, Kingpin Donuts has reportedly embraced this new demographic. Ever since Ben Sharpie came to grace the campus with his presence, Kingpin employees have been working nonstop to fill orders for vigilant…