Berkeley student fits entire Crossroads salad bar into backpack

A piece of salad walks into crossroads. It realizes it is out of place as it is a food that actually has texture. (PC Credit AnotherJosher)

UCB students puts Salad Bar into Backpack

Pocketing a couple pieces of fruit or even an entire Tupperware container of quinoa is a common habit for students eating at Crossroads Dining Commons. However, grocery shopping at Crossroads was taken to a new extreme this week when first year Econ major Molly Reynolds was caught trying to steal the entire salad bar. She was detained by Cal Dining staff for allegedly “trying to get her money’s worth,” but not before managing to pack the entire buffet table into her trusty North Face. “Reynolds almost made it out the door,” one staff member reported, having assumed that the large bulge in her backpack was merely a Bio 1B textbook, “but then a pair of plastic tongs fell out the front pocket. That’s when we knew the huge load on her back was more than just student debt.”

Reynolds’ suspicious activity was first noticed by vegans who had gathered around a bowl of croutons in protest for the right of yeast bacteria to live and thrive.

Reynolds’ suspicious activity was first noticed by vegans who had gathered around a bowl of croutons in protest for the right of yeast bacteria to live and thrive.According to participating vegan Amy Choi, salad from the salad bar was disappearing faster than independent colleges on campus. Salad is currently one of the most popular green items consumed on campus, though to some, it might be considered the 421st most popular. At times, the salad at Crossroads is so wilted that many students have tried to roll it up and smoke it.

Cal Dining staff subsequently tried to report Reynolds’ misdemeanor to UCPD, but apparently the ever-vigilant police department was too busy spamming innocent students with enigmatic emails. UCPD’s only response to the report of Reynolds’ salad heist was an affirmative “Mmmmmm,” leading Cal Dining staff to make the reasonable assumption that they just really enjoyed salad. Students can take comfort in knowing that even though they are subject to the attacks of numerous uncaught criminals, at least the campus police are setting a good example by choosing to eat healthy.

Ultimately, dining commons administrators offered Reynolds a job with Cal dining so that she could take all the food that she wanted. Reynolds, however, turned them down, explaining that she wasn’t interested in cooking dining hall food that was as salty as she was.

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