Articles by David Goldstein

Diversity

The only two straight males in Gender & Women’s studies department found each other!

Shocking news from the normally irrelevant Gender & Women’s studies department Thursday—the only two straight males in the whole department found each other!  Sean Gray and Cody Weissman sat down with The Beet to talk about this transformative experience. “Honestly, I was getting hopeless” Sean said. “I thought I could…

Satire

Sophomore declares major he’ll regret 3 years from now

BREAKING — Sophomore William Peters broke his silence on Facebook last night by posting about his acceptance into the Media Studies program at UC Berkeley — a decision his future self will look back on with self-hatred. Friends and family congratulated Peters on his achievement and his complete disregard of…

hiring

Foothill Dining Hall Utilizes Dorm Rats as Locally Sourced Ingredient

Earlier this week, Cal Dining announced their latest local ingredients night at Foothill dining hall— PieRats in the CaRatbean. Cal Dining plans on combining the mysterious and charming life of a pirate with locally sourced, fresh ingredients to create an unforgettable dining experience for all students. The excellent chefs at…

Satire

Therapy Dogs needing euthanasia after trip to Cal

Finals week is right around the corner, and Berkeley students have flooded the campus libraries in a desperate attempt to compensate for their lack of productivity throughout the semester. This miserable week before finals is known as “ dead week ”, as every Berkeley student is either on the verge…

Satire

Its Just a Game After All

On a Saturday afternoon when even the gods themselves were weeping for Cal’s soon inevitable loss, thousands of poncho-clad Bears rolled into California memorial stadium, hoping to win back the Stanford Axe. The Cal students in attendance wanted the axe not only to feel better about getting rejected from Stanford,…