Articles by Tatiana Su

Satire

Women’s march participants happily watch Super Bowl without a shred of conscience

Just a couple weeks after thousands of women took to the streets in protest of systemic injustice, approximately way too many of those women proceeded to cheerfully watch this year’s Super Bowl. Casting aside their iconically binary pussy hats, women everywhere settled down for an enjoyable afternoon of condoning white…

Satire

Thanksgiving turkey would rather die than be pardoned by Trump

The White House tradition of pardoning a turkey every Thanksgiving has come to a screeching halt with a bold  declaration from this year’s designated bird. “I refuse to bear the indignity of it,” he reportedly gobbled while discussing the idea of being pardoned by President Trump. “I mean, the guy also…

Satire

Berkeley College Republicans President challenges his secretary to an IQ test

In the wake of his alleged impeachment by BCR secretary Bradley Devlin, BCR’s disputed president Troy Worden has made a bold statement against his backstabbing ouster. Following in the steps of Worden’s lord and savior, President Trump, he challenged Devlin to the ultimate test of political capability- an IQ test….

Satire

Hero student adds frame to Facebook profile picture, single handedly ends racism

 In the face of an increasingly racist and bigoted society, one student activist has decided to risk everything in her fight for social justice. UC Berkeley junior Tessa White recently made a bold statement by adding a frame to her Facebook profile picture. The powerful words “Stand Against Racism,” emblazoned…

Satire

Kingpin welcomes record sales from Free Speech Week police force

Though members of the Berkeley community have expressed discomfort towards the unprecedented numbers of police officers swarming the area, Kingpin Donuts has reportedly embraced this new demographic. Ever since Ben Sharpie came to grace the campus with his presence, Kingpin employees have been working nonstop to fill orders for vigilant…

Satire

Humanities student hopes to marry rich

Though the semester is quickly approaching its end, some seniors are still scrambling to find post-graduation employment. While certain majors are being scooped up by Fortune 500 companies, other majors are faring no better than Rachel Dolezal in their job hunting. One humanities major, Goldie Diggs, has taken to spending…

Satire

English major donates $50 to Cal, gets doorknob named after her

Recently, a young graduate of Berkeley’s Haas school of business has decided to give 25 million dollars  back to his beloved major, as if Haas didn’t already have enough money. As a result of this incredibly generous contribution, the new Haas building will be named after him and his wife….

Satire

L&S Student More Likely to get a Valentine’s Day date than Advising Appointment

Lucas Schultz hesitated for just a second before sending his message, and he felt his heart flutter as he waited for the response. For a moment he felt optimistic and thought he might finally be able to meet with her, but then CalCentral alerted him that the advising appointments had…

Satire

Martin Luther King Jr. rolls over in his grave during BCR event

Last Wednesday, a series of seemingly apocalyptic events combined with a festering post-election rage caused an upheaval in Berkeley that graces the front page of conservative news sources across America. Fortunately there were no zombies involved in this near apocalypse- though they certainly would have been preferable to Milo Yiannopoulos,…