Articles by Burr K. Lee

Satire

UC Berkeley uses Sorting Hat to place students into various dormitories

Last week UC Berkeley sent out housing decisions to the Class of 2020 Freshmen and Transfer students. Despite many complaints and offers to trade, students generally had no idea what the various dorm situations were like, and were just happy to feel one step closer to Cal and done with high…

Satire

UC Berkeley Jon Snow to play Game of Finals

When you play the Game of Finals, you win or you cry This week, despite spending hours sitting by the White Wall at Moffit studying for finals, junior Jon Snow has admitted that he still knows nothing despite spending all his time there watching “The Vow”. As a double major…

Satire

UCB Administration holds “Baked Sale” to raise funds for school

Green is in the air as the University sells blunts to make up lost funds On April 20th, as hundreds of students flocked to Memorial Glade in Bob Marley shirts to look for a cure for their moderate glaucoma, anxiety, and stress, the University announced that it would be holding…

Fantasy

UC Berkeley student finds Affordable Apartment

               Berkeley Sophomore manages to find inexpensive apartment Last week, sophomore Jacqueline Broma managed to sign the contract on a 2000 sq. foot single apartment for just $600 a month. Broma’s apartment came complete with running water, toilet, microwave, and the luxury of a…

Satire

Student relieved to be using own bathroom over Spring Break

Warning. This post contains a buttload of bathroom jokes. On Friday, as student Stephen Hong settled into his couch at home, he breathed a sigh of relief for the umpteenth time. Hong, who had traveled home for break last Saturday, stated that while it was nice not to have to…

Satire

University to change motto to Fiat Lux 3000 in order to reduce deficit

On Thursday, after University officials met to discuss structural changes in light of the school’s $150-million-dollar deficit, University Spokesperson Bentley Cooper announced that the school would be changing its motto from “Fiat Lux” to “Fiat Lux 3000” in order to promote Fiat’s luxury line of cars. Whereas “Fiat Lux” was…

Satire

UCB creates Hunger Games to determine which programs to cut

This week, it was announced that UC Berkeley was considering the elimination of its public health program due to a 150-million-dollar structural deficit. According to one University spokesperson “Health and Safety are our #1 priorities to UC Berkeley students. So while we won’t have a public health program, at least you’ll…

Satire

$92K Nap Pods designed by Keurig for one-time use only

UC Berkeley to put out Nap Pods on campus for students to sleep in as an alternative to sleeping during lectures in Wheeler On Wednesday, UC Berkeley unveiled its new REST zones on campus. REST zones (or Really Expensive Sleep Tombs) are designated locations on campus and the Tang Center…

hiring

On Diversity and Hiring Practices

Today marks the 8-month anniversary of the Berkeley Beet. Its first post came out last summer and detailed the acceptance of a 4.0 earthquake which, despite all odds (or any extracurriculars) managed to get into Berkeley. (Chancellor Dirks, for the record, thought it was “very cute.”) Exactly 8 months ago, I quietly purchased…

Satire

RSF to offer “Feel the Bern” fitness classes based on Bernie Sanders

A Bernie Sanders inspired workout is being taught at the RSF by junior econ major Angela Steinberg On Wednesday, it was revealed that the RSF would be offering “Feel the Bern” classes based on workouts from Vermont Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders. The RSF decided to implement its new…