Search Results: berkeley

Satire

Berkeley College Republicans President challenges his secretary to an IQ test

In the wake of his alleged impeachment by BCR secretary Bradley Devlin, BCR’s disputed president Troy Worden has made a bold statement against his backstabbing ouster. Following in the steps of Worden’s lord and savior, President Trump, he challenged Devlin to the ultimate test of political capability- an IQ test….

Satire

Crime Rate in Berkeley Increasing Faster than Student Debt

At this point in the fall semester, morale is low and tensions are high as Berkeley students flounder about the murky depths of midterm season, all the while surreptitiously eyeing the “cancel registration” button on Cal Central. Though midterm season regularly robs students of self esteem and assaults them with…

Satire

UC Berkeley uses Sorting Hat to place students into various dormitories

Last week UC Berkeley sent out housing decisions to the Class of 2020 Freshmen and Transfer students. Despite many complaints and offers to trade, students generally had no idea what the various dorm situations were like, and were just happy to feel one step closer to Cal and done with high…

Satire

UC Berkeley Jon Snow to play Game of Finals

When you play the Game of Finals, you win or you cry This week, despite spending hours sitting by the White Wall at Moffit studying for finals, junior Jon Snow has admitted that he still knows nothing despite spending all his time there watching “The Vow”. As a double major…

Satire

UC Berkeley Student sadly unsurprised by shitty handling of Harassment cases

Warning: Contains Strong Language Following the recent revelation of 19 sexual harassment cases filed against the University that have been kept quiet by UC Berkeley officials until now, sophomore Bernice Chen revealed that she failed to be surprised anymore by the University’s failure to provide an adequate response to sexual harassment…

Satire

Berkeley student fits entire Crossroads salad bar into backpack

UCB students puts Salad Bar into Backpack Pocketing a couple pieces of fruit or even an entire Tupperware container of quinoa is a common habit for students eating at Crossroads Dining Commons. However, grocery shopping at Crossroads was taken to a new extreme this week when first year Econ major…

Fantasy

UC Berkeley student finds Affordable Apartment

               Berkeley Sophomore manages to find inexpensive apartment Last week, sophomore Jacqueline Broma managed to sign the contract on a 2000 sq. foot single apartment for just $600 a month. Broma’s apartment came complete with running water, toilet, microwave, and the luxury of a…

Satire

Berkeley to move CS61A lectures to Memorial Stadium

On Friday, it was reported that due to the vast number of students in attendance at its CS61a lectures, UC Berkeley’s CS department announced that it would be moving the location of its lectures to Memorial Stadium. Though UC Berkeley has more than 276 degree programs, by far one of…

Satire

Berkeley student gives Santa side eye for wearing Stanford Colors

A Berkeley student at a mall proceeded to glare at Santa last Wednesday for wearing what appeared to be Stanford colors On Wednesday night, as Justin Putnam ventured was dragged into the mall by his family to do some last minute Christmas shopping, Putnam spotted a Santa wearing what appeared to…

Satire

Berkeley Squirrel officially tired of eating Dining Hall Food

Local Squirrel grows tired of eating Dining Hall Food Yesterday evening, it was reported that local resident Shamu the Squirrel had officially grown tired of eating dining hall food. Shamu (more commonly referred to as Mu by his friends in Squirelish) had been eating at Crossroads once again that week,…