4. 0 Earthquake admitted to Berkeley despite having few extracurriculars

The new 4.0 Earthquake is just a tad eager. Photo Cred: Donal Mountain

Berkeley, CA.

At 7 AM this morning, it was reported that local residents were woken up by the sounds of a 4.0 earthquake arriving in the Bay Area. While local resident Ashley Chang heard the noise, she thought the neighbors were going at it a little too loudly again, but the earth shattering sounds she heard turned out to be just that- an earthquake.

While this earthquake happened to catch many people by surprise, it turns out that the 4.0 Earthquake had been accepted into Cal and was settling into Berkeley in preparation for the academic year.

While this earthquake happened to catch many people by surprise, it turns out that the 4.0 Earthquake had been accepted into Cal and was settling into Berkeley in preparation for the academic year. In a testament to the wide diversity of students that attend Cal, officials decided to admit its second ever Earthquake into Berkeley this year.

Last year’s 6.0 Earthquake wowed administration officials with its impressive application. This year’s 4.0 Earthquake however, despite having a perfect GPA came close to being cut because of a lack of extracurriculars.

While the 4.0 Earthquake had perfect grades and attendance in school, its remaining free time was reportedly spent working at Shake Shack slinging burgers and making milk’shakes’ in order to make ends meet and pay for school.

While some have said that the 4.0 Earthquakes admittance into Berkeley was indicative of an affirmative action policy towards Earthquakes, many have argued that the Earthquake had gotten in on its own merit rather than any university desire to fulfill a quota.

According to one university official, “Because we maintain the highest standard here at Berkeley, we don’t admit any Earthquakes here with less than a 3.0 average.”

The new earthquake reportedly enjoys going to raves, where it describes loving that feeling that occurs “when the beat drops.”

 

 

About the author

Burr K. Lee

Burr K. Lee is a Berkeley student that enjoys using satire to draw issues to attention on campus. During his spare time, Lee enjoys working as a Burr-lesque dancer.