26 freshmen rescued after being lost in Dwinelle for 10 weeks

On Sunday it was reported that a group of 26 freshmen had been finally found after being trapped inside Dwinelle Hall for a period of no less than ten weeks.

In an event that some university faculty were proclaiming to be nothing less than a “miracle”, the students were found to be wandering around Dwinelle on the second floor near the film department offices. They were found by a grossly underpaid janitor who thought that they were a bunch of kids sneaking around using the classrooms to rehearse for their underground play again.

Dwinelle has long been notorious for its nonsensical numbering system, where classrooms can be numbered anywhere from 1 to Giraffe. On the first floor, for example, the numbering system of a bloc of classrooms reads 1187, 1888, π, Penguin, ∑,  Tyrannosaurs Rex, Kardashian, and 6891. Respondents who reach the end of the hall reportedly will find a classroom with J on it instead of an actual number to reward those who have actually made it to the end of the hall without tearing out their hair in frustration.

The group of freshmen found were all apparently part of the same Into to Latin American Studies course LAS 76 who had gotten lost on their way to the first day of class. According to freshmen Eric Shun “I was really looking forward to taking this class so that I could get my minor in Chilean studies. But then the entire class got lost. At first I thought I was the only one lost on my way to class, then I kept running into other people looking for the same class. And then eventually the whole class found each other, but by then it was too late. We were already in the belly of the beast.”

Shun describes how they managed to survive by eating bags of chips that students had left behind and sleeping in various classrooms at night. They tried to signal their presence to outsiders by messing up the order of chairs in the classroom when they left, but their method yielded little result and instead left teachers and students mad at the preceding classes before them.

Shannon Lin managed to find a girl’s bathroom to freshen up in, and upon turning on the faucet on the sink, fell down a giant drainpipe and into a massive subterranean lair where a giant snake was waiting.

Though most of the students in that group make it out of Dwinelle unharmed, one member did not. At one point, sophomore Shannon Lin managed to find a girl’s bathroom to freshen up in, and upon turning on the faucet on the sink, fell down a giant drainpipe and into a massive subterranean lair where a giant snake was waiting. She was never seen again. The group tried to warn others to stay away from that bathroom by writing (in Stanford colors) “Her body will lie in the Chamber forever.”

It is unclear if their efforts have succeeded. If anybody has managed to reopen The Chamber of Secrets since then, but if so they are urged to contact UCPD.

About the author

Burr K. Lee

Burr K. Lee is a Berkeley student that enjoys using satire to draw issues to attention on campus. During his spare time, Lee enjoys working as a Burr-lesque dancer.

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