February 2018


Student Criticizes “Pathetic” Athletes in Winter Olympics after 15th Bag of Doritos

With a beer in hand and orange dorito dust powdering his extremities, UC Berkeley junior Joe Richard watched the winter olympic halfpipe competition in disgust. “Wow, I could pull off that 1080 in my sleep, bro,” he exclaimed, despite having never seen snow in his life. Nevertheless, he remains an…


Government shuts down to advise Trump on new haircut

Three weeks ago, the U.S. federal government shut down for three days, supposedly due to Congress’s failure to decide whether or not to incorporate DACA funding into an important bill. This lack of decisiveness (and progress, and human decency) is not a surprise, as absurdity has become the new norm…


Women’s march participants happily watch Super Bowl without a shred of conscience

Just a couple weeks after thousands of women took to the streets in protest of systemic injustice, approximately way too many of those women proceeded to cheerfully watch this year’s Super Bowl. Casting aside their iconically binary pussy hats, women everywhere settled down for an enjoyable afternoon of condoning white…