November 2017

Satire

Thanksgiving turkey would rather die than be pardoned by Trump

The White House tradition of pardoning a turkey every Thanksgiving has come to a screeching halt with a bold  declaration from this year’s designated bird. “I refuse to bear the indignity of it,” he reportedly gobbled while discussing the idea of being pardoned by President Trump. “I mean, the guy also…

Diversity

The only two straight males in Gender & Women’s studies department found each other!

Shocking news from the normally irrelevant Gender & Women’s studies department Thursday—the only two straight males in the whole department found each other!  Sean Gray and Cody Weissman sat down with The Beet to talk about this transformative experience. “Honestly, I was getting hopeless” Sean said. “I thought I could…

Satire

Sophomore declares major he’ll regret 3 years from now

BREAKING — Sophomore William Peters broke his silence on Facebook last night by posting about his acceptance into the Media Studies program at UC Berkeley — a decision his future self will look back on with self-hatred. Friends and family congratulated Peters on his achievement and his complete disregard of…