March 2017

Satire

Humanities student hopes to marry rich

Though the semester is quickly approaching its end, some seniors are still scrambling to find post-graduation employment. While certain majors are being scooped up by Fortune 500 companies, other majors are faring no better than Rachel Dolezal in their job hunting. One humanities major, Goldie Diggs, has taken to spending…

Satire

English major donates $50 to Cal, gets doorknob named after her

Recently, a young graduate of Berkeley’s Haas school of business has decided to give 25 million dollars  back to his beloved major, as if Haas didn’t already have enough money. As a result of this incredibly generous contribution, the new Haas building will be named after him and his wife….

Satire

BREAKING First time in 50 years Sproul Flyer did not end up in recycle

[BREAKING] The Berkeley Beet has confirmed reports that at 11:03 am this morning junior Matey Bakir successfully gave freshman Kalyn Lilly a flyer that she did not immediately throw away. Interestingly enough, Lilly has considered attending the event on the flyer, stating: “at first I just accepted the flyer on…

Satire

California Drought Resurgence Traced to Moffitt Toilets

Californians rejoiced mid January as positive news finally broke in regards to the five year drought, with the United States Geological Survey claiming that the worst is finally over and that EECS majors no longer have an excuse for not showering. Though the immediate danger has passed, the USGS claims…