March 2016

Satire

Student relieved to be using own bathroom over Spring Break

Warning. This post contains a buttload of bathroom jokes. On Friday, as student Stephen Hong settled into his couch at home, he breathed a sigh of relief for the umpteenth time. Hong, who had traveled home for break last Saturday, stated that while it was nice not to have to…

Satire

University to change motto to Fiat Lux 3000 in order to reduce deficit

On Thursday, after University officials met to discuss structural changes in light of the school’s $150-million-dollar deficit, University Spokesperson Bentley Cooper announced that the school would be changing its motto from “Fiat Lux” to “Fiat Lux 3000” in order to promote Fiat’s luxury line of cars. Whereas “Fiat Lux” was…

Satire

UCB creates Hunger Games to determine which programs to cut

This week, it was announced that UC Berkeley was considering the elimination of its public health program due to a 150-million-dollar structural deficit. According to one University spokesperson “Health and Safety are our #1 priorities to UC Berkeley students. So while we won’t have a public health program, at least you’ll…