August 2015

Satire

Prof making 250k “asks” students to buy $200 textbook he wrote

Professor making $250,000 in tenured salary, asking students to buy $200 textbook he wrote in order to supplement salary. While many freshmen have already bought their textbooks from the student book store in an eager attempt to show off their preparedness and impress their professors, many of the upperclassmen have…

Satire

Mech Engineering Major that had all Summer to unpack now leaving for Fall Semester

Recently it was reported that Aaron Smithers, a junior Mechanical Engineering major at Cal, caused a mild scandal when he chose to park his butt in front of his computer all summer rather than unpacking his luggage. His parents are understandably distraught as while most Cal students have now begun leaving…

Satire

Reality Show 8 to a Room to be filmed in Berkeley

As part of its fall lineup, Fox News announced today that it had acquired the rights to the reality show “8 to a Room” which is set to start filming in Berkeley. Because of the extreme lack of housing in the Bay Area, students and residents alike have taken to…

Satire

4. 0 Earthquake admitted to Berkeley despite having few extracurriculars

Berkeley, CA. At 7 AM this morning, it was reported that local residents were woken up by the sounds of a 4.0 earthquake arriving in the Bay Area. While local resident Ashley Chang heard the noise, she thought the neighbors were going at it a little too loudly again, but…

Satire

Tensions rise as parents passive aggressively hint that it’s time to start packing

         Local Southern California Parents worried because their son has yet to pack with one week left until school starts. One week before school is set to start, tensions are reportedly high in the Lee household as Hudson’s parents Bob and Teresa are expressing anxiety over their…

Satire

UCB Students to launch Uber competitor UBear using real bears

On Thursday it was announced that a team from UC Berkeley had successfully secured its first round of seed funding for its product “UBear”. As UC Berkeley is located in the Silicon Valley, many of its students are focused on entrepreneurial ventures in the hopes of creating the next “unicorn”….

Satire

Berkeley Students Without Housing Pretty Much Screwed At This Point

With students staying up 24/7 to watch the Housing page on the UC Berkeley FB group, students without confirmed housing for the school year are starting to feel the pinch. With less than two weeks until the fall semester at UC Berkeley is slated to begin, it has been determined…