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Everyone wins in new Communist ASUC elections

In a spectacular bureaucratic victory for everyone involved in this year’s ASUC elections, members of the current student government have decided to adopt a Marxist approach to the voting process. Basically, the votes will be equally redistributed to each of the candidates– ensuring a stunning win for all. This decision…

Satire

Cal Dining serves “green” food for St. Patrick’s Day, turns out it was just moldy

In honor of some Irish saint that no one really knows or cares about, our ever-inventive Cal Dining services rolled out a whole menu of green-colored dishes for dinner on St. Patrick’s Day. Green filet mignon, accompanied with a side of green rolls with green butter, was to be the…

Satire

Students’ will to live directly correlated with number of dog sightings per day

As midterm season (i.e. every damn week) crawls on endlessly while spring break seems somehow increasingly farther away, it is clear that Cal students need some sort of relief from the torment that is college. “I’m so done,” sighed one student. “For Lent this year, I actually decided to give…

Uncategorized

TeaOne Introduces All New Flavors for Midterm Season

Located on Telegraph Ave and the first floor of Eshleman Hall, TeaOne has quickly become one of the most popular boba places here in Berkeley.  Recently, TeaOne introduced a new set of seasonal flavors in recognition of midterm season, which generally lasts from the second week of class all the way…

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5 Ways To Avoid Buying Girl Scout Cookies This Season

Residents of Berkeley have had their self-control pushed to the limit this spring season ever since the local Girl Scout Chapter began their merciless assault on the city. Little girls aged 7-11 along with their mothers have laid siege to every street corner, school entrance, and dispensary storefront for miles….

Satire

Student Criticizes “Pathetic” Athletes in Winter Olympics after 15th Bag of Doritos

With a beer in hand and orange dorito dust powdering his extremities, UC Berkeley junior Joe Richard watched the winter olympic halfpipe competition in disgust. “Wow, I could pull off that 1080 in my sleep, bro,” he exclaimed, despite having never seen snow in his life. Nevertheless, he remains an…

Diversity

Government shuts down to advise Trump on new haircut

Three weeks ago, the U.S. federal government shut down for three days, supposedly due to Congress’s failure to decide whether or not to incorporate DACA funding into an important bill. This lack of decisiveness (and progress, and human decency) is not a surprise, as absurdity has become the new norm…

Satire

Women’s march participants happily watch Super Bowl without a shred of conscience

Just a couple weeks after thousands of women took to the streets in protest of systemic injustice, approximately way too many of those women proceeded to cheerfully watch this year’s Super Bowl. Casting aside their iconically binary pussy hats, women everywhere settled down for an enjoyable afternoon of condoning white…

Satire

Thanksgiving turkey would rather die than be pardoned by Trump

The White House tradition of pardoning a turkey every Thanksgiving has come to a screeching halt with a bold  declaration from this year’s designated bird. “I refuse to bear the indignity of it,” he reportedly gobbled while discussing the idea of being pardoned by President Trump. “I mean, the guy also…